im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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