and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
