You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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