Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
