I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
