dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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