Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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