I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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