Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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