My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
