This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
There's always time for handjobs
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
