isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
