I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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