After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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