I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
