I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
