I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
