Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
