1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
