I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
