She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
