Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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