there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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