I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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