My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize