I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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