Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
