Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
