i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She tied me up with her honor cords...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
