it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize