Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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