My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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