Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
