Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
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