I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
