My underwear smells like fireworks.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
birth control should be required to get into college
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Randomize
