dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
