Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
