Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
