I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Randomize
