he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
