Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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