i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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