Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
