ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
