Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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