Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
