Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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