happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
