Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
