I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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