He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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