Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
What happened to fro yo and sex?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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