I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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