I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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