I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
