There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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