Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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