I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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