I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
