i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
